And so may / We make time / To try and find somebody else / Who has aligned

– Interpol, “C’mere” (2004)

“It’s a jaded love song – very bitter” was what Interpol’s (the 2000s post-punk revival band) main vocalist Paul Banks remarked about their track “C’mere”, from their 2004 record Antics. he was 26 by then. i’m a bit older than that now getting into this particular band. it’s apparent that by our late 20s – perhaps also due to our ongoing respective Saturn Returns – many of us would have begun noticing our age. having an ‘old soul’ turns out to be very different from ageing. people used to say how i was the former. now i’m both. ageing has a toll. the toll is the number of roads taken up to that point.

i wonder if you would still keep up, if you would still read this. i like to think that you have suffered greatly but now you have happiness. i have suffered greatly but now i have suffering. this is the period where we shift into a phase where we can no longer get any younger. where the years are becoming hard counters. if you are reading this, you know already how much i love you. while loving you i think of the time ticking, how long my body and heart can last. my heart has held up for you – it’s afraid that if it stops beating my love for you perishes with it. i think of all the people who have wanted you happiness too, and i know i’m not the only one. i’m not special, and that’s alright. i have loved many others too, like you already have and are loving. but after all these years, i have loved no other quite like how i love you. again, i’m not special in that, and that’s really okay. again, these things happen. we try to find somebody else.

i’ve seen you fall in love over and over. it does feel like ageing. you know it’s ageing when the circumstances are different and the same, and how that paradox is gradually inscribed into your bones. i still dream of earning what you can keep. i haven’t watched the moonlight with you just to witness nothing happening as a small miracle. i have watched you fall in love again. if i wanted to make you content and safe i would. if someone else wanted to make you content and safe i would be glad that they are there to do so. i know it’s human for me to feel pangs and unease. i’ve felt it already and thought of everything i could. i’m still looking out there to see where my desire takes me – you know, i learnt that from you. i wonder about how yearning and grieving almost feel the same, despite the former anticipating loss and the latter having experienced loss. but i’ve already been through all of that, and i take inventory, see what i have in store to soothe while my heart aches periodically.

if you’re reading this, and actually reading this – ageing was something i wanted to experience with you. some of the painful kind, but also the graceful kind. for the years to come i’m willing learn to love your liver spots and recalibrate our diets. i’ll remember some of your ex-lovers and you’ll recall some of mine. but in the right here right now, that’s too latent, too early. but i try to keep my promises, and these are some of them i will make to you.

the search for something else continues. you and i know that i’ve made the choice to take the hurt as it comes. and growing old is finding new ways of living while clinging on to old mementoes. it’s to never really move on but find the courage to keep on living anyhow. i think of how long it has been, and how we’ve all changed in ways. i have learnt that love lasts so long and strong after all. as long as i’m alive and fighting i’ll see you around and miss you in many different ways. i can find my joints gradually liquefying and still dare more to dream – even if there’s things in the way along the way, that i can still be with you one day, for once.